We are again on the same street we met for the first time, manipulating the unfortunate truth. Our friendship was just another lie I told myself and repeated on loop inside my head in hopes of changing the reality even though we both have come to terms with the fact that everything has changed.
You calmed the storm running through my mind and made me smile when all I did that day was cry my eyes out. I still remember the days when I used to make catalogue of all the things I wanted to say but instead I just smiled and hugged you. And no I ain't complaining because it did make me happy but I kept burying those thoughts inside me. You see I'm not looking for answers anymore, of all the questions I could have asked but never did. I say that to sound more confident but the truth is that my heart isn't ready to accept the truth.
Questions like; was I just an online friend ? Was I just another "someone" whom he met and then it's all over? The answer is undeniably yes but you see,It all felt so real that I never thought I needed to know all this. All along the way I never thought I needed to prepare myself for your absence and even If I had to , tell me How could I have ever prepared myself for those unsaid goodbyes ? I was never ready .
I kept mending those crumble parts in bits and pieces , tried to understand the unsaid because you never said anything so I thought I need to understand the silence and gradually tried to make sense out of this secret language that I couldn't speak with anyone else.
When I didn't understand this sudden withdrawal, I came to the conclusion that, oh! perhaps I'm being a burden on him .So I stopped putting efforts because my self deprecating thought told me that it's good that he's gone since that way he doesn't need to tolerate you. That's when I realized that I was the only one putting efforts because it ended without any good byes, without bad byes , infact without any bye. And for the longest time I told myself that I was to be blamed for being too much on him. I was to be blamed for being such a sensitive person . I was to be blamed for literally everything that happened.
Almost a year has passed since the day we we were on the same street and now when I look back , Yes I might have been a burden , yes maybe I was being too much but I don'
t try to understand the unsaid because frankly if someone didn't add value to your life in over a year, he's not worth it. I still miss the memories we made but I don't miss the person anymore.
Now is the time for me to build up my own window and let him go. It won't make him go away for forever, I can still see him from a distance but I no longer crave for his presence. I no longer try to change the ending,no longer try to mend the broken pieces and finally I no longer lose a part of myself in the process.
So yes I'm still not looking for answers but this time it's because I made peace with the truth. Truth about not having a closure all the time and that people leave without any warning signs. It doesn't mean I stop forming relations , It doesn't mean I stop being close to people because anyway I can't stop the pain even If I want to. I can only learn to live with it.
- Riya Kothari