I fell asleep that night, my phone still in my hand- my eyes hurting from the long time I spent gazing at the screen. Waiting for a message to pop up, only it never did.
My last text had that blue tick, something dreaded almost like a Cold War in this generation. Funny, right?
How simple things like a blue tick, or a thumbs up, manages to open up this whole other world of passive aggressive hints.
I fell asleep, still waiting for your text, or maybe a call saying you needed you talk to me. But nothing happened. That night I fell asleep disappointed. And it was just another one of many, many such nights.
Early morning, the sky so clear and blue, the sunlight streaming in gently through my bedroom window. I woke up smiling, reaching for my phone to text you how you were. You went to Delhi for college, and I was still here in Kolkata. All we could do was make things work over a long distance, hard as it may sound.
That blue tick again! No reply. We had had fights before, but they mostly started with furious arguments, and ended in a tearful embrace. Never silence. This silence was more foreboding than anything I'd ever faced before. I didn't know how to react. I could feel we were not communicating properly, but how do I fix it?
I remember I met you three years ago. First time we talked, we had this phenomenal disagreement. You made fun of my hobbies, and yes- that made me so mad! I know I thought you were a terrible jerk back then. Flash forward to a few days. We both got over our anger and started talking. And in the midst of all our differences, we found common ground. We started texting each other then, and despite all my reservations, I found you were a really fun person once I started getting to know you. We read the same books, liked the same movies- well, except horror movies, you hated those!
But the more I started talking to you, the more I started looking forward to your texts. Sometimes, you weren't online for hours, and I know I used to get really worried. And God knows, if I didn't text you, I could be sure of opening my inbox just to receive a bunch of messages asking if I was okay.
Where have those days gone now?
I miss those days, you know. I know we were only friends back then, but it felt like so much more. Every "hi" Or "good morning" Would be followed by random questions, and before we knew it, entire hours had passed. How pathetic is it, I'm standing here, gazing at the same coffee shops where we used to hang out, and thinking about the days that are no more.
Are you happy now?
Its been days and I haven't heard from you. I stopped texting you as well, you know. I can't force you to talk to me, can I? It's always another,
"Sorry, I'm busy."
"I'll text you later, got a lot of work."
"Gosh, don't be so insecure about little things."
But you know, love, it's the little things that matter. How you used to understand my mood from a single text. How you would order my favourite Frappuccino for me before I asked. How you used to take me to calm, tranquil places knowing I'm not that fond of crowds. How you were so interested in every little detail of my life, like the new bakery that opened down the block, or a new tshirt you thought looked great on me, or how I liked the new movie you recommended to me. If I was eating properly, getting enough sleep at night, and not napping too much during my classes.
Everything seemed to matter so much. But now it seemed to disappear into thin air.
Remember the moments we spent together?
Even when we weren't in a relationship, I used to get so jealous of any other girl you spoke to. You always laughed at me, and said nobody could ever take my place.You said I was always your princess, and nobody could ever replace me.
Remember how you were always the first person I called, whether I was happy or depressed? You would stay up with me, whenever I needed, hold me close and help me get through those moments I felt I would hurt myself.
We are both opposites in every way. I am a bit lazy, you are not. You're a neat freak, I am not. You love math, I love literature. You hate animals, and I love them. We are as different, my love, as frost from fire. How do we still get along so well?
I think it was around 2am in January. I called you suddenly in the middle of the night. You were totally asleep, and kind of irritated I woke you up. But I know you... I just apologized a few times, and said... Hey don't break my heart... You melted. Just like that tiny bit of chocolate I wiped off your lip once, before kissing you as passionately as I could. You were as sweet as that.
We ended up talking until well after the sun had risen. About everything and nothing.
We spoke of travelling the world together. I told you I wanted to go to Italy, to see the wonders of Renaissance with my own eyes. I wanted to go to the lesser known cities in Egypt. And I wanted to go almost everywhere in England. You said that one day, when we have both chosen our careers, we could travel together. Two lone sailors in an abandoned ship, guided only by the dim light of the stars.
You, my love, were my North Star. The one who guided me to a right path.
Remember how much you loved my poetry? I said I'll write a book about you someday. You replied, laughing, that my book would take the tale of our friendship, and the wonder of our love, beyond epic proportions. I'm sure they would.
You know how depressed you were that day, thanks to your family? You wouldn't even talk to me. You were already in college, and I had no way of running to you and telling you you were safe. I loved you. You would be okay.
I just went on calling you for hours, until you finally picked up and decided to speak to me. You were shouting I didn't understand anything, but trust me, love, I did. More than you would know. That night you ended up crying, and I told you I loved you forever.
There have been so many such nights. That one when I called you because I was so upset about a fight I had with my family. When you almost fainted in a library thanks to some health issues and I was frantic. When you had an accident, and I couldn't be anywhere, but by your side.
That time you saved my account from getting hacked. You were by my side for everything I allowed you to be.
Early February. I don't remember exactly what happened. I just know I was devastated, and ended up overdosing on my pills. I will never forget your expression when I woke up. You looked lost, broken, anguished. I can't forget how you just held me and wept, BEGGING me to never leave you again.
I swore I would not.
There have been times when we both disappointed each other so badly. Like when you wanted me to apply to that writing competition, and I did not. When I wanted you to pay more attention to me, because god knows, I miss you like crazy.
But no matter what, we forgave each other. Always. You were my anchor.
Whether in good times or bad, you were always the person I relied on.
What happened to those days?
You are so distant now.
Is there anybody else in your life, now, darling? Have you found someone who gives you what I could not? Someone more charming, more beautiful, more elegant? Or is it because distance has erected such a barrier between us, we can hardly look past those walls anymore?
Are you really busy when you say you are? Are you really doing what you say you're doing? How can you live without talking to me, because every second I'm away from you, it feels my heart is turning to ice... Slowly but surely.
We don't talk anymore. Our conversations have become an obligation. I truly love you, but I can only dwell in the past. I can't help but think about how your eyes twinkle when you're happy. How that little corner of your mouth crinkles when you smile. The exact way you roll your eyes when you're exasperated with something I said. The way your hair- slightly long, because I asked you to keep it that way, falls over your forehead when you sleep. How soft it is to the touch! How your long eye lashes, that made me so envious, would rest against your face as you closed your eyes.
Every tiny detail of you I memorised, still haunts me. Every inflection of your voice. Every little touch I cherish and will carry to my grave.
A first love never fades, and sometimes I feel you could even be my last.
But we don't talk anymore. I only live in our past memories. You are so distant and cold now. And all I can do is watch you slip away, standing helpless and broken... About something that is not in my power. You brought color into my world, like the first hues of green after a dreary winter. Like the first fresh breeze of spring. Like the little petals slowly unfurling in the warm, brisk weather.
And as suddenly, you were gone. Taking that warmth, affection and desire with you.
I told you I found the world enticing because you were in it. You turned something ordinary into something enchanted. And now that is being taken away from me.
And it hurts. It hurts so bad I want to cry. I want to scream, I want to rail at the heavens for taking away what I value most, piece by piece. And I want to hurt myself, because I feel you would have loved me if I was better. Lovelier. Kinder.
But I am who I am. And that wasn't enough for you...
I wasn't enough for you to see past the blue ticks and work it out...
And I'm trying to accept it with every inch of my strength. I'm trying to accept you will not love me forever.
Thank you, for making me the happiest person I could be, even for a short time.
Thank you, for putting up with my inadequacies, insecurity, and drama.
Thank you... So much... For everything. And if our relationship ends, I want you to know I will always care about you.
So say something, my love.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.