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Dead but alive

Updated: Jul 11

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I found you!





This is an open letter to the gone. To the missing. To the dead.


You’ll probably never see her again. She’s most likely buried under ocean of deep insecurities, low self esteem and self worth. I wonder what it feels like to finally have an edge over her. To finally bury her with your own hands and not even get a trace of blood anywhere. And oh wait nobody is ever happy over someone’s death but look at you, all cheerful and merrily enjoying the life.


Don’t you miss her? Don’t You sense her coming out of that graveyard , ready to crawl back in and haunt you? But Can you really stop her from coming out if she isn’t dead? Can you really make her stay there if there’s still some flesh and bones left inside her?


When the day ends and you take off your mask, you feel the mental exhaustion inside you. Then in those moments you question yourself that if she really was dead then how come you’re still calling something a mask. Which you had to put all day long.


What if nobody died and everyone’s alive, hiding somewhere in the corner. Mute but present. You don’t let it bother you because you can’t handle her presence. Its mere presence makes you want to hide somewhere and understandably so.


Well then maybe you’re right. Maybe the ‘old you' is still alive and not dead. Maybe all your complex emotions are still alive. But who really won here? I don’t see you winning, someone who’s afraid of her old self. Someone who’s fearful of feeling a certain emotion. Someone who is overpowered by her.


So yes. I did find you! The you with the old version of yourself as well. The you who is still insecure, still questions her worth and struggle to keep the anxiety away. But this time you aren’t scared and hiding behind a mask. This time you aren’t overpowered by this old version of yours. This time you live parallel with her and that’s what makes all the difference.


Riya Kothari

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